|
Home
| |
SELF GROWTH SKILLS
NEWSLETTER
FREE
Receive a FREE weekly dose of wisdom,
humor, inspiration & more!
|
|
|
By Carolyn B. Ellis, the
Official Guide To Divorce
|
 |
Divorce is one of the most
emotionally demanding life transitions you'll ever
encounter. One big pitfall is what I call "going for the
martyr medal." You get so preoccupied and consumed with
making sure everyone else is taken care of first, that
your own needs fall by the wayside. Single parents are
often strong contenders for the martyr medal, but
divorcees without children can also fall prey to this
common mistake.
You'll know you're stuck in this pitfall if you find it
difficult to delegate or ask for help from others. You
believe you must keep a stiff upper lip. Keeping up a
strong, brave front at all times for the sake of your
children or family is your priority, even if you're
feeling emotionally overwhelmed or unsettled. You feel
unappreciated and that people take you for granted. You
think that if you do it all yourself and don't complain,
one day somebody will notice your efforts and thank you.
Some single parents and divorcees adopt a martyr role as
they navigate their life after divorce. Self-care may
seem like a theoretical luxury. You've got to handle the
kids, the ex, the finances, the lawyers, setting up
mom's house and dad's house, the family repercussions of
your split, and the impact of your divorce on your
friends and social network. You can feel like you don't
have time to breathe, let alone deal with any anger or
grief you're feeling because a major relationship has
ended.
If you are trying to capture a medal for being a
self-sacrificing martyr, I have some news for you. There
are no medals for martyrs. The International Olympic
Committee is not adding it to their event list anytime
soon. Nobody, particularly your children, will come to
you at some point in the future and say, "I appreciate
how much you sacrificed your own health and well-being
for us - and how you let us know about it all along the
way!" Divorce summons all of your internal resources,
and at this point in time, your commitment to self-care
will never be more tested or more needed.
Think about the safety announcements you hear in
airplanes, advising adults to put the oxygen masks on
themselves first and then assist their children. If you
have passed out from a lack of oxygen at 30,000 feet,
what good will you be to your children in that state?
The same principle applies in divorce. You must be aware
of your own needs and take responsibility for taking
care of yourself. Your commitment to self-care is one of
the most important gifts you can give yourself - and
your children. Here are some strategies to get you
started.
1. Give Yourself Five Minutes a Day.
Self-care doesn't have to be big, fancy, expensive or
time-consuming. Carve out at least 5 minutes a day to
breathe, become still, let yourself daydream or sing
along to your favorite tune. Imagine that each breath
you take is refueling and grounding you.
2. Find Emotional Support
Find appropriate emotional support as you go on this
journey. Perhaps there's a close friend who is also
divorced who can act as your "divorce buddy." You may
want to work with a divorce coach, therapist, counselor
or social worker. Look for support groups in your
community that address the needs of divorced
individuals. Getting strong emotional support structures
in place upfront will save you time and heartache in
your healing journey.
3. Delegate as Much as Possible
Are there any responsibilities you have now that you can
delegate or defer to someone else so you can give
yourself some time off? Bulk up your babysitter and
repair person lists. Realize that you'll need to divert
some of your energy and focus into your emotional
journey, so this is not the best time to try and become
the next Martha Stewart. Make progress, not perfection,
your goal.
4. Appreciate Yourself
A big reason people become self-sacrificing martyrs is
because they are really seeking acknowledgement and
appreciation. There is a much more reliable way to get
that 24/7 which is by acknowledging yourself. Celebrate
each and every accomplishment, new insight and decision
you make. Writing them down in a self-appreciation
journal will help make your progress more tangible and
clear.
5. Be a Role Model for Your Children
Parents are powerful role models for their children.
They will do what you do, not what you say. Help build
some healthy habits by teaching your children how to
manage their own stress. You can start by naming the
feelings you're having. Share that "Mommy is feeling
overloaded right now." Next, ask yourself what you need
to do in that moment to take care of yourself.
Demonstrate this with your children by saying "Daddy
needs to take a five minute break to collect my
thoughts." Taking responsibility for your feelings and
your self-care is a powerful legacy to leave your
children.
Author's Bio
Author and spiritual divorce coach, Carolyn B. Ellis,
founded Thrive After Divorce, Inc. to help separated and
divorced individuals improve relationships, increase
self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the
award-winning author of the best-selling The 7 Pitfalls
of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children
Thrive After Divorce. If you want simple life-changing
tips for single parenting, visit http://www.thriveafterdivorce.com
now to receive a FREE report.
|
|
|
| |
 
Home
|
SELF GROWTH SKILLS .COM
